What to do if you are living with an abusive parent—facing mental, physical, or emotional abuse or neglect as a teenager
By Susanna de Chenonceau, M.Ed.
October 20, 2021
Are my parents abusive? Are my parents normal?
This post is written for teens but of course anyone is welcome to read it. I have been a high school teacher and counselor for thirty years now, and I write from my experience working with thousands of teenagers.
I am not writing about ordinary discipline of “go to your room” or being grounded because you lied or stole or were rude or didn’t do your homework. Bad behavior has consequences and losing privileges for bad behavior is no fun for you but that is good parenting. (It actually hurts children when parents do not take away privileges for bad behavior, like being rude or lazy or dishonest). But this post is about excessive or unwarranted discipline or control. This post is for good kids living in tough situations.
I will not be able to address everything about your situation in this post, but my intent is to give you a battleplan for how to survive, and even be free. Above all, if you are reading this, something has brought you here and I want to say to you – DO NOT SURRENDER YOUR HOPE.
Our world needs you. You are here to do something that only you can do. Let’s do what we can right now to help you get safe, and someday soon, when you are safe and healed, I want you to turn right around and help to free other kids from the hell that you are living in. But first, put on your own oxygen mask. You can’t help anyone if you’re not in a good place. Let’s get you there.
First, recognize abuse. I’ll refer here to One Love’s “10 Signs of Unhealthy Relationship”:
1. Intensity: When someone expresses very extreme feelings and over-the top behavior that feels overwhelming
2. Manipulation: When someone tries to control your decisions, actions or emotions.
3. Sabotage: When someone purposely ruins your reputation, achievements, or success.
4. Guilting: When someone makes you feel responsible for their actions or makes you feel like it’s your job to keep them happy.
5. Deflecting Responsibility: When someone repeatedly makes excuses for their unhealthy behavior.
6. Possessiveness: When someone is jealous to a point where they try to control who you spend time with and what you do.
7. Isolation: When someone keeps you away from friends, family, or other people.
8. Belittling: When someone does and says things to make you feel bad about yourself.
9. Volatility: When someone has a really strong, unpredictable reaction that makes you feel scared, confused or intimidated.
10. Betrayal: When someone is disloyal or acts in an intentionally dishonest way.
Source: www.joinonelove.org
If your school has a One Love club, join today. If your school does not, go on their website and sign up to start one. IT IS EASY and it will help kids like you. One Love will give you all of the materials and training. This club can save your life and countless other lives. One Love helps young adults realize what an unhealthy relationship looks like, before it’s too late.
Perhaps no one at your home is outright abusive to you, and yet you still feel attacked there emotionally. Perhaps you are highly sensitive, which is fine, or perhaps the people at your house are always fighting or yelling or being mean or selfish or insulting or unkind or teasing or rude or vulgar; this is also a form of emotional abuse that likely makes you very tired each day, if you prefer a kinder and more polite environment, which most people do. You can seek support for this.
Perhaps you already know that you live in a hurtful place. Perhaps you are just realizing this for the first time. If you live in an unsafe place, I honor your pain and grieve for your lost innocence. I cry for you, child, and write this to do even the smallest thing to help, in even the smallest way. I am beside you.
And after we cry, we dry our tears and DEFEND. We fight, not with our fists, unless we must, but with our wits and our COURAGE. Courage, dear heart. If you feel you have no courage, then here, I give you some of mine right now. Take it. It is yours, for I have plenty, and also faith. YOU WILL BE SAFE. Believe. YOU HAVE A VOICE. YOU HAVE POWER. Here we will talk about using your voice and taking back your power.
When pain is undeserved, when you are innocent, there is also anger. Not all anger is bad; some anger is justified. If you kick a puppy, I’m angry. If you’re racist, I’m angry. If you make fun of a differently abled kid, I’m angry. Justified anger is called RIGHTEOUS ANGER and it moves mountains and topples even the most evil and seemingly strong regimes. Harness your anger right now because it is righteous. Your anger is justified because it is not right that you be treated this way. Children deserve to be children, and happy. Period. Full stop. This is what you deserve, and let’s try to get it for you.
There is no great change without Revolution, so start one, no matter how small, no matter how little or great your courage.
You deserve a healthy life. You are good. You are worthy just because you were breathed into being. I love you. You are loved. And your life has a Divine purpose. More than I believe even, I know. I know.
So, this is a battleplan for your safety and liberation. You will fight like Dr. Martin Luther King fought, like Rosa Parks fought, like Ruth Bader Ginsberg fought, like the Marquis de Lafayette fought—politely but with fierce determination, wisely and courageously, justified and clever, and never losing sight of your goal. See these heroes beside you now. We are all here for you. You are not alone.
Firstly, if you are physically unsafe, or emotionally unsafe, if you are neglected or harassed mentally, if you are hungry or cold or scared—I want you to tell a teacher today. TODAY. No questions. Pick one teacher or several, and go to your school counselor, too. USE YOUR VOICE. People can’t help you if they don’t hear you.
USE YOUR VOICE! Speak, write, text, post, talk, call, shout.
BE HEARD.
Let’s think of all the people you can tell that you are in need or trouble or pain:
1. Teachers
2. School counselor
3. Principal
4. Friends
5. Bus driver
6. Lunch lady
7. Librarian
8. Police
9. 911
10. Child Protection Services (Google the number in your state)
11. ER doctors – walk in at any time and tell anyone you are unsafe
12. School nurse
13. Neighbors
If you are afraid of getting in worse trouble for telling someone, be sure to tell the person that and they can help you get some protection.
If you are tempted to lie to get attention when nothing is wrong, do not do that. Lying is bad for your character, and you must build a good character. (Happy to post on that—just ask). Lying also takes resources away from kids in need and danger. Do not manipulate caring teachers by lying.
For those of you who are in tough homes, let’s make a plan to make a change:
Battleplan Freedom
1. WHAT DO YOU WANT?
What is your GOAL? What are you protecting? Do you want to live in a safe place? Do you want to join a club or sport at school? Do you want to choose your own schedule of classes or your own friends or be able to go to the slumber party or the dance or other normal parts of teenage life? Do you want to not be yelled at for no reason, not ignored, not hungry, not hit, or not touched or looked at inappropriately? Maybe you want to keep your phone or not be manipulated into agreeing with statements you don’t agree with. Maybe you don’t want to be forced to listen to angry tirades, or pumped for information about your other parent’s house.
Identify the goal. There might be several or many. But know them. NAME THEM. And focus on the goal. Do not waiver from your goal. I promise you, you will get there.
Watch for your goals to be encroached upon and DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE:
Bribed
Sweet-talked
Disciplined
Scared
Berated
Guilted, or
Manipulated
…into forgetting what it is that YOU NEED and DESERVE.
Abusers WILL try all of these tactics to get you to focus on them, so they can control you.
FOCUS ON YOUR GOAL—NOT ON THE ABUSE.
You stay true to what you know. TRUST YOURSELF.
Know what your end goal is and do not waiver, kid.
2. How can you survive being there? Tactics to survive—and even thrive.
If you must be in that home, I will assume that you have already tried to voice your needs. You must start here. We all must. Any judge will ask: “Did you tell your parent that you needed X, Y or Z?” Try to do this rationally, in words or writing.
Hamilton and RBG and Churchill delivered fiery speeches in times of war. Amanda Gorman delivers beautiful words of healing. Use your words. We all must start there.
Assuming your parent did not or does not listen, and yet you must dwell there in that house, we must revert back to the first point of all: if you are at ANY time unsafe, or if you consider harming yourself, call 911.
Always remember: suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
And we need you here; our world NEEDS you!
Here are some ways to survive an angry home:
--Be at school as much as possible (Join clubs and sports—ALL fees can be paid with school help, if needed. Just ask!)
--Confide in your teachers – they will help you if they know you’re hurting
--Confide in school counselor – huge help
--Sit in the back seat of the car when your parents drive
--Say, “No, thank you” to any request that makes you uncomfortable
--Say, “Why do you ask?” instead of answering uncomfortable questions
--Realize you can be silent. You do not need to answer inappropriate or controlling questions. Just stare.
--While staring, go to a favorite, safe place in your mind---BLOCK AND IGNORE* (more on this below)
--Recall happy times
--Look at happy pictures or videos or shows
--Listen to music
--Take a shower or a bath to rest (crystals, salts, and essential oils will add protection and strength)
--Go in your sibling's room for comfort
--Do sit ups and push ups in your room to expel excess energy or fear
--DRINK SO MUCH WATER—it lowers anxiety immediately
--Avoid sugar and caffeine and any substances (these make trauma harder)
--Visualize your spirit guides—see your ancestors and heroes and angels around you, because they ARE. You are not alone.
--VISUALIZE VICTORY AND FEEL IT—this is critical. You must stop thinking of failure and what you fear. Your thoughts are magnets. We get what we think of so raise your frequency and visualize success and freedom. CRITICAL.
--Writing in a school notebook—journals are typically targets for snoopers, and if you have a controlling parent it’s common to assume your privacy is not respected. DO write down your thoughts, but keep that notebook with you, in a stack of other notebooks, so it is not seen as “special”.
--Drawing – great way to process emotions!
--SET GOALS for the life you want – goals and dreams keep us alive so SET YOURS. Write them down. 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, lifetime. Revisit and revise as often as you like!
--Know the signs of depression: insomnia or too much sleep, crying often, lack of delight or interest in friends and fun, eating all the time or not at all. (I can write a whole post on managing depression, but friends and fun and exercise and WATER are miracles.)
--Know the warning signs of suicide: if you feel like there is no hope, REACH OUT TO A FRIEND AND SAY SO. There is always hope, so this thought is simply not true, but it is a common precursor to suicidal thoughts. If you find yourself withdrawing, reach out for help. If you find yourself thinking that not being here would be better,
...remember that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
Call a friend or 1-866-4CRISIS, or text HOME to 741741 to text with a Crisis Counselor 24/7. You are not alone!
--Leave the house if you need air or a break. Go to the library or call one of the above numbers. If things are bad, you can call Child Protection Services in your city. If your parent has taken your phone, go into any library or store or restaurant and tell them you are in danger and ask to use the phone. Call 911.
--Ask ANYONE for help. NEVER FEAR asking an adult in any store for help.
--Get a driver's license as soon as you can so that you have some ability to leave your house.
--Get a job so you have some money and freedom, but DO keep your grades up for college. You want to get your education so that you can provide a safe life for yourself as soon as possible.
--Understand what disobedience is and what it is not. Disobedience is when I tell you to unload the DW because that’s your chore and you say no. That’s bad behavior. Disobedience is NOT when I disrespect your boundaries or privacy or dreams and then tell you that you are a bad person for standing up to me. You are not a bad person for having boundaries. People who do not respect your boundaries will not be happy when you start enforcing yours. This is normal and it their problem.
--DO obey rules that are fair. Do your chores and homework and be polite. Don’t give people any reason to discipline you.
--With controlling parents, often every conversation you have in your bedroom is listened to, so you can start doing any private calls (like to friends or a therapist) from school in a teacher's classroom or a counselor's office. Teachers and counselors are happy to help you stay safe if you explain what’s going on.
3. What tactics will be employed against you when you try to stand up for yourself? Be ready!
--List what methods of manipulation or control have been used against you in the past and BE READY for them
--Watch for bribery or sweet-talking—An abuser may give you gifts to try to get you to agree with what they want. You can refuse a gift, or ask directly if it comes with no strings attached. Call out hypocrisy wherever you see it!
--Watch for guilt – Your boundaries are nothing to feel guilty about. Boundaries are HEALTHY. Abusive people hate other people’s boundaries because they like to control other people. You have no choice but to set and guard your boundaries. We all do in life.
--Watch for fake tears and pretend pain. Do not be fooled. Guilt is a common tactic to make you feel bad for taking care of yourself. IGNORE. Literally, no reaction. They’ll get tired of faking it.
--Watch for excessive discipline. Some abusers will use this as a way to try to break your spirit. GET HELP. This is not normal and it is NOT OK. You are not a prisoner or a concentration camp inmate or a POW. You are a person with dreams and goals and friends. GET HELP if your discipline is odd or does not match the “offense”.
--Watch for insults. Abusers will try to shatter your belief in yourself. They will say mean and untrue things about you. BLOCK IT OUT. Do not accept lies!! You are NOT a bad person because you have boundaries. You are not a hurtful person because you refuse to let someone make every decision in your life and poo on your dreams. There is nothing wrong with wanting to go to a school function or get your driver’s license or see a counselor or have two birthday parties or talk to your other parent.
--Watch for them cutting you off from other people and calling it “discipline”. Cutting anyone off from their support system is a classic move of abusers. They want you to be dependent on them and only them. They don’t want you to like or talk to anyone else—and they certainly do not want you to get support from your friends or other parent. This is a sign that someone is toxic. Healthy people are happy when you have a happy, healthy life apart from them. Abusers can’t stand that.
--KNOW WHAT TRUE REPENTANCE LOOKS LIKE. True repentance means “to turn away from” and not do that again. So, real sorrow and sadness means the person is TRULY sorry that they hurt you (NOT that they say they are “sorry you hurt, sorry you feel that way”—that’s a trick that shifts blame to you!) True repentance is a COMPLETE APOLOGY AND THEN A TOTAL CHANGE IN BEHAVIOR. Anything else is a lie. If I hurt you and you tell me, I am sad. I will say so. Then I will listen to what I did, and then I will work to not do that again because presumably it was an accident. You will know that I am sorry because MY BEHAVIOR CHANGES. Remember, talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words. And you shall know a tree by its fruit. Without changed behavior, there is no apology and there is no respect, only selfishness.
--When setting your boundaries, do not let your guard down until you get what you want and need, what's kind and right. Sometimes we cannot keep people in our lives because we try to have a loving, healthy relationship with them and they cannot do it. You can give someone the benefit of the doubt once, but not twice. “Once, shame on you. Twice, shame on me.” If someone hurts you in the same way again, you can’t let them stay close to your heart. They may be in your life, or maybe not, but you do NOT have to trust them or confide in them.
And Maya Angelou always said: When people tell you who they are, believe them the FIRST TIME.
When people prove to be selfish and abusive, aka toxic, it is sad and hard but you must not allow them in your daily life. No toxic people on the team. You must protect yourself. I have broken up with a parent and a step-parent and even a best friend once—and it was painful and sad each time—but when people hurt you, you’ve got to protect yourself.
And remember, controlling people don’t care if they hurt you. They just want control.
--What are you NOT going to divulge, what is important to you? Don't even allude to it.
If you have an exit strategy, do not allude to this with the abuser. Keep notes and phone calls and even texts as private as possible. Get your support system in place and communicate with your support system as much as needed at first—even by the hour. It will decrease as you get safe, but take the support when you need it.
4. Things to do to help your cause (and the greater cause)
--Join and be active in OneLove. If your school doesn’t have it, start it. Schedule meetings for it once a week and stay after school to prepare for it daily. Siblings can stay with you. You are safe at school! Announce your pickup time as 5 or 6 or 7pm. Do your homework at school during that time after you plan for the club activity.
--Join your school’s peer listening support group and go daily. If it doesn't exist, start it. Invite therapists in to teach students what abuse looks like and how to get help---WORK WITH YOUR SCHOOL COUNSELOR.
--Ask if you can and be ready to speak in court. Keep a list of abuses with dates and times and explanations. Each time something happens that could or does hurt you, add it to your private list, with a date and notes. If you can make a statement before the judge, AND ASK TO DO SO, the judge will really respect your voice. ASK WHAT AGE YOU CAN BE TO SPEAK IN COURT. Ask at school. Google it. ADVOCATE YOUR CASE.
--If you cannot speak in court because you are too young in your state, learn how to get laws changed! Become an activist. Fight for the rights of yourself and other innocent kids. In some states kids can speak in court at age 14 or 16, etc. You do not necessarily have to live like this until you are 18. You can absolutely call Child Protection Services and get a Restraining Order put against someone who will not stay away from you. You can even stay at a friend’s house for a while so your location is secret. THINK.
--If you are at college, figure out ways to STAY THERE. Get internships and research positions for breaks and summers.
--Look at what your school offers to help and support kids in mental health need. Is it good? Is it enough? START WHAT IS MISSING.
--LIVE YOUR LIFE WITH AGENCY, NOT BY COMMITTEE. You do not need to ask for permission to join the French Club at school. Kids just join what they want and get happily involved in school. If it’s a costly activity, or super time consuming, they will run that by their parents, but kids usually just sign up for the activities and sports that interest THEM. Your life is not a committee.
--Ask a trusted friend to keep a list with you of the abuses you suffer because in your overwhelm, you may forget. Probably best to ask a friend whose parents are not friends with yours, just in case that kid is ambushed.
--Go to a teacher or counselor or principal FIRST THING IN THE MORNING if you had a rough night and TELL THEM EVERYTHING. Ask for protection. The more they know, the more they can help you.
--Write honestly about your situation for every school assignment. Use your voice to get help!
--If there will be a court date, plan to be there to speak for yourself! Ask for help with this at school.
Some last tips:
Be aware of your own blind spots and fears, of your desire to be liked (even by abusers), of the ways you compromise, and of ways you fail to negotiate for your own best interest. Do not deny your own sovereignty in relationships! Protect yourself.
You are an independent individual soul with dreams and goals and a soul journey. You are not a toy or a puppet or a possession. YOU ARE A WHOLE PERSON. Your parents did not create you so that you could be controlled like a pet. People have hearts and minds and lives, and your parents created a PERSON. You are a person. You deserve to have your own life. That’s healthy.
Access your warrior energy, so avoid just sitting around in anger.
HAVE COURAGE. STAND IN YOUR POWER.
THINK: I AM.
SAY: I ACT FROM MY PERSONAL SOVEREIGNTY.
Seek peace, stillness, bliss, nature.
USE BABY BELLY BREATHING AS A VERY FAST WAY TO CHANGE YOUR BIOMARKERS. Push your belly out like a baby.
Count to ten in a foreign language to center yourself if you feel overwhelmed.
Truth comes to light. Fight for justice. Fight for the vulnerable.
Endings and beginnings are normal cycles of life.
Life is about changing. Nothing EVER stays the same.
Stand in your truth and work to develop structures in your life that are deep and more equal.
Honor the Earth and Creation. Mother Earth and all of Nature will act to protect you as soon as you stand to protect yourself. Draw upon the strength of Nature and your ancestors. You didn’t just inherit trauma from your ancestors; you also inherited STRENGTH. Claim it! Pray! Ask for help!
And finally, remember that higher frequency energy always dissolves lower frequency energy, so stay in a place of love for yourself.
I am here for you, always!
~Susanna
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