by Susanna de Chenonceau
September 20, 2021
This question came in from a friend this week, and my heart goes out to her:
“How do you recover from the betrayal of being repeatedly lied to by someone you trusted, and how do you get over a heartbreak?”
I am very sorry that your heart is hurting tonight, my friend. I wish I could give you a big hug and make a pot of tea at my house and just let you pour out your whole story onto the table so that we could sort the lessons of gold from the ashes of deception, and then sweep those ashes right into the waste bin where they belong. But remember what rises from ashes—phoenixes.
Tonight I am with you in spirit. If we did sit and sort out how and why someone treated you so poorly, one thing I would make very, very clear:
Where there is a lie, there is no relationship. Period.
Inasmuch as someone has lied to you, they have also communicated to you that they do not value you or trust you or respect you. They are putting themselves first, and manipulating you for their own ends. I am very sorry this has happened to you. I am very sorry that you have run into, and been hurt by, a person of little or no integrity, be that situational or lifelong for them.
But know that liars are, at their core, SELFISH.
Internalize this because you will need this truth in the days and weeks to come when the space in your life where that person used to be feels void to you, before time washes softly into it and cleans it and then morphs and shapes that space into new coastline where there once was a bay. We are always moving. Move forward.
What is immediately clear is that you must move on.
This relationship was damaged when the person began to deceive you, and that dynamic will not be changed. They have poisoned that well. You must grieve and honor your pain (which we will map out how to do here), but you must also have the self-respect enough to protect yourself, demand better from the next person, refuse to stand for less, and walk entirely away from this person without looking back. For good. A litany of lies is a tide you do not want to turn.
I do not think there is any reason to talk to this person and hear more of their lies. Understand what you would really be seeking in that conversation; you want your façade to become true. You want this person to care and become good and see your worth and love you. None of that is going to happen. I do not think it is necessary to talk with a liar. I also think it is dangerous because if that person has no better prospects at the moment then they may just want to take sex from you again on false pretenses. And if they have no one better to lie to and play with and manipulate, they will absolutely come back to you if they hunger for that toy. Stay safe. Stay away. That’s my advice.
I am sorry that you were hurt, but if you stay there for even one more moment you will just get hurt again. Remember what Maya Angelou said: When people tell you who they are, believe them the FIRST time.
Also remember the tried and true adage: Once, shame on you. Twice, shame on me. This means it’s ok for people to make mistakes, but it is not ok for you to stick around and let it happen to you a second time with a person of bad character. One of the beauties of being human is that we can LEARN. It’s ok to make mistakes. In fact, it’s normal. But once you get burned, don’t go back to the fire and expect it to suddenly be a cool pool. That’s madness. Move on to better things.
The beautiful truth is that as soon as you do move on to better things, better things will be there. They will come for you. You will smile again. I promise. And you deserve better. You actually deserve the best. But you will not get what you deserve; you will only get what you demand. I wouldn’t spend any time either, by the way, demanding things from a liar. This relationship is, sadly but happily, past that. I am sad with you tonight that you are hurting, but I am relieved that you discovered the truth as soon as possible. Imagine being two kids deep into this person’s life. Imagine thirty years of deception. Thank God you were spared a day longer!
Recovering from Betrayal
But tonight you are hurting, so let’s address how to survive pain, because survive it you will, and you will actually be so much stronger because of this terrible, hard lesson.
Recovering from betrayal is a tough climb, but it is TOTALLY doable. First you must realize that you chose poorly; it was not just “bad luck”. There were red flags and warning signs and small doubts and nagging feelings and questions, but you ignored them. That’s ok for right now! We are not trying to make you feel worse; we are looking for the strength and power here, because right now you feel powerless. You are not powerless. You have choice and voice. Let’s rebuild your heart and armor by examining why you did not listen to yourself. We are looking for the breakdown in your system, so that we can come back stronger next time.
If you had doubts that you ignored, then understanding that you did you not trust yourself is key to learning and then moving on. This understanding is critically important to grasp.
Go back now and think of any warning signs you had about the person…
When you articulated what you wanted, did they want the same thing?
Did you feel like you had won the lottery when you met them, or did you perhaps think, “Well,
if just these few little things were fixed this would be really good…”?
Were they ever angry with your questions or wishes?
Did they silence or dismiss you?
Were they angry about ordinary things in a way that belies controlling behavior?
Were they ever unreliable and you excused that?
Did they say exactly what they wanted and you bargained to meet in some middle?
Did they feel that you weren’t exactly right for them, so you embarked upon a clever and sexy
campaign to sell yourself to them?
Did one of you rush the other into bed?
Did they let you pay for everything or most things, showing they weren’t invested?
Did they ask for time to “figure things out” but you bonded to them anyway?
Did they let you plan everything?
Did you text them and invite them all the time or most of the time?
Did you help them with their life and they liked that, but they didn’t really help you?
Did you two spend all of your time talking about them? Did they not ask many questions about you?
Did they perhaps seem obsessed with you, like you were a trophy?
Did they lie about anything large or small, but you doubted yourself or ignored the lie?
Did you spend copious amounts of time just trying to figure them out?
Did they seem too busy for you?
Did you change yourself in some ways to be more “compatible” with them?
None of these are good signs.
If you did any of these things, let’s spend a minute gently investigating why. Why did you do these things? Did you hear a voice of reason or truth or doubt in your head? My Grandma always said, “If there’s doubt, DON’T.” It’s SO TRUE.
So if you had doubts but ignored yourself, a common reason why is that you might not trust your own inner voice, your judgement. Probably at some point in your childhood or past, you perhaps learned not to trust yourself. This can come about for a variety of reasons, but take heart! Not trusting yourself is easily fixable with some focus and self-work.
You might not trust yourself because:
Perhaps the people around you made all of your decisions, so you learned not to trust your own judgment.
Or perhaps you tried to decide things for yourself but you were silenced. Then you would have learned that those around you didn’t trust you, so it’s an easy step to not trust yourself.
A third reason you may not listen to yourself is because you have made some bad decisions in the past and now fear deciding because you fear you’ll choose poorly again—so you might have low self-confidence about making decisions and you might be in a time where you’re not trusting yourself.
The first two are just wrong (and sad) and the third one is unfortunate (but pretty normal), and I am sorry if any of these happened to you. But right now we need to work on your self-trust.
Repeat after me:
I matter.
My voice matters.
My thoughts matter.
My happiness matters.
I make good decisions when I listen to my inner voice.
Repeat these, out loud, A LOT. Put them on post-it notes around your house and change the way you think. The thoughts you repeat are the thoughts you become, so CHOOSE. We are always thinking. Take every thought captive. Are you being nice to yourself right now? Are you being kind and supportive to you? You are my friend and you matter to me, so it is important to me that you are nice to you. It is important to me that everyone is nice to you. In fact, I hurt when I hear that people, like this person you dated, are not nice to you. So it goes to serve that I will be hurt to think of YOU not being nice to you. I just want to encourage self-love, because it is critical, and because I love you.
So, work on your thoughts about your innate worth. You are worth SO MUCH! You are a priceless treasure! Each person is. If you were a city, I want you to know that you are also the king and the queen and the military of that City of You. Would you let a band of nasty invaders just walk into your city and start beating, raping, pillaging, and burning your city down? Of course not. Your citizens would look to the king and queen to command the military to defend the city, to keep the innocent citizens free from harm. So why in the game of love would you, as king and queen, stand by and invite random invaders to come into the City of You and just maim and steal?
You wouldn’t and you shouldn’t. In the future you won’t, but this time you did. “But I trusted this person,” you will say. Ehhh… maybe. But did you? Did you really? Did you feel they were on exactly the same page as you? Did you have absolute peace and certainty and bliss about your love and luck? I would wager that you heard nagging, small doubts and dismissed them. But now you have learned that you were right. Your doubts were right. Your inner voice can be trusted.
Jane Austen famously said, “We have all a better guide inside of us, if we would just listen to it, than any other person can be.”
Work on listening to yourself. DO NOT spend time beating yourself up for making a mistake. See the mistake, own it, learn from it, and MOVE ON. Beating yourself up for being a normal human being who was doing her very best in every moment is really just whining and asking for attention. We all make mistakes. You aren’t special for making mistakes. You are a great human in training. Remember the quote from the Goonies: “Goonies always make mistakes. Just don’t make any more”. :)
So who is trustworthy? You have a much better idea now. People who are excited about you. People who prioritize you. People who are HONEST to the core.
What do we do when someone says, “All people lie.” I suppose so. If you burn dinner I will find something nice to say. If your hair looks really bad, I will make suggestions about how it might be more flattering. But what’s my motivation there when I “lie” to you? It’s kindness and light.
If you and I are sleeping together and you clearly think we are exclusive but I sleep with someone else and lie to you about it (once or numerous times, it’s all the same), what’s my motive there? Selfishness and deception. Do you see the difference? Liars are selfish and deceptive. They play with people and want to serve their own desires and egos above all else at all times. In fact, I had a husband once who was a compulsive liar and once I asked him why he lied about literally everything, no matter the magnitude or insignificance. His response? “I like controlling you.” Interesting. Once I realized that was going on, we were not able to stay married for long.
You cannot be friends with a liar. As soon as someone lies to you with selfishness and deception as the intent, for any reason, they have broken the relationship. There is no relationship. So how can you heal from that?
How to Get Over a Heartbreak
1. Give yourself some time to feel awful. You will feel devastated and shocked and physically ill and raw even for maybe 1-3 whole days, from my experience. Take baths and showers and naps. Cry, cry, cry. Write, sing, dance. Get the feelings out. Try to eat. Drink water. Go for walks. In these first few days just try not to lose your job or snap at innocent friends. Even stay home one day just to cry if you need to.
2. DO NOT numb the pain with drink or drugs or you prolong the experience. Lean into the pain. Feel it. Remember, you hurt because you have a beautiful, loving heart that can bond and attach and give love. That is BEAUTIFUL. Honestly, though I know you don’t feel like it right now, celebrate that. Celebrate that you hurt because you loved. Hallelujah—you can love! Many people are too wounded to do that, so love is always a blessing. You have a tender heart that feels and cares. That’s magical. Now you know. Now you can protect your heart and only let trustworthy people near it.
3. Grieve and honor your pain—but don’t wallow. DO grieve and honor the fact that you gave love that was not treasured. That is sad. That deserves some grief. Cry and write and talk to different friends.
4. Plan fun things with friends. Go for walks. Go shopping. Go for ice cream. Your friends will be willing to listen to you hash this out until you’ve talked yourself out, but try to be mindful not to burn them out, so cycle through ALL of your friends right now, so they can share the heavy lifting. They will be happy to help you.
5. Have a ceremony and move on. Write everything you want to release onto a paper. Light a candle and burn that paper, and ask your guardian angels and spirit guides and ancestors and the Divine to remove those things from you and to help you heal.
6. Clean and purge the person from your life, body, and home. Do a ritual cleaning of your home. You can go through and get anything that reminds you of the person and get rid of it. You can box up all of their things and give them to a mutual friend.
You can take a bowl and put water in it and bless the water and then go room to room and put in pieces or drops of anything that reminds you of them; open every cupboard, window, and door and let clean air clean out the place; play special music; once you have gone through every room gathering things into the bowl, take it outside and throw it away in the neighbors’ trash can and DO NOT look back; let it go. Light a candle and say your thanks for being free from a hurtful situation.
And especially do a ritual cleaning of your body, because you shared your body with them, so their energy is attached to your energy, right now. Draw a bath if at all possible. Put some rose petals and or rose oil into your bath, because roses heal broken hearts. Choose the color that speaks most to you at the flower stand. Light a candle. Put on some kind of soft, sacred music. Saint Hildegarde of Bingen is a solid choice here. Remarkably strong woman!!! Ask Saint Hildegarde and any other mentors, dead or living, to help you. We belong to a great cloud of witnesses, and these loving saints and ancestors and angels will absolutely be around you in this time. Just ask. Bring anything holy into the bathroom, anything sacred to you, except any reminder of the deceased love. If you have any real gemstones, actual precious or semiprecious earrings, rings, or necklaces, put those in your bath, too. Put some lemon oil, or sage. Eucalyptus is also great. Jasmine, too. Then get into the tub and rest. Cry if you need to. When you are ready, call that relationship to mind and take a salt body scrub or loofah or washcloth and ceremonially wash every inch of your body, even your toes and behind your ears. Scrub! Call that energy up in memories and scrub it away. You may need to cry. It's OK! To quote Nightbirde, We're all a little lost and it's alright. Wash and then rinse yourself clean. Dry off with a clean towel, drink a big glass of water, and go to bed. Cleaning your body is important. Clean your energy regularly.
You can also symbolically cut the energy cords that bind you to that person still. Find a comfortable place where you can be alone and in sacred silence. Picture a favorite holy place in your mind. Place yourself there. Maybe it is a grove of trees or a church altar that you love or a prayer area with candles. See your wounded self there in your mind. Pray for your wounded self. Now, see your strong self standing behind your wounded self. See your strong self as a priestess in white and light. Ask God to guide you. Take giant, holy, sacred, golden scissors in your hand and you are going to cut the air around wounded you standing before you. You will cut deftly around yourself as if cutting out a pattern. See the energy cords that connected you to that other person. They will be flowing out from your grieving self that is barely standing there before your super powerful and peaceful priestess self.
When you are ready, with your actual hands, do the motions of the priestess self cutting the cords flowing out of broken self. Each time a cord is cut, ask the angels and spirit guides there to pull, pull, pull any remainders out! Then ask them to dispose of those in a holy, peaceful way, like Jesus sent the dangerous spirits into those kind pigs who sacrificed themselves graciously (in my view). Your angels will send the hurtful spirits out of the area and transmute them. They are gone now. Keep cutting all around the shape of you until you don't see any more cords. I find that they crack and snap and sizzle when cut, and it is infinitely good to have them gone.
When you have finished cutting the cords in your visualization prayer, then visualize priestess you taking an alabaster jar of gold, shimmering ointment. This is Balm. Take the Balm and rub it all over every inch of wounded you, to cover every exposed spot where a cord just was. This is like holy Neosporin for your soul. :)
Then bless yourself and say prayers and give thanks. Those cords are cut. Do not allow more from that person to come near. You are safe. You will heal much faster now.
7. Set a new intention for what you want to look for and call into your life moving forward. Write these things down and keep all of them framed in the positive and the present tense as if that person/things are already here.
8. Watch your language, and STAY POSITIVE. This is key. Your thoughts are MAGNETS. You get what you think about.
Things to Beware of…
This person could absolutely come back because some liars enjoy controlling people so much that they will tell you the truth and then just see if you will stick around for more of their game, so be aware of this! They might come back lying more, telling you they’ve changed, etc etc etc. Don’t believe them. Actions speak louder than words and you are CLEARLY not safe around this person. Protect yourself! They could be reeling you back in just to spit you out again.
What I do not know, and believe me I wish I did, is if liars can actually ever recover. For some reason it seems that some people as little kids just have a temptation to lie when most people do not have that. And these people will just lie when it suits them, about most genres of things. Whatever the myriad reasons WHY they may lie, which is not the subject of this post, what we do know is that you cannot pity a liar, nor can you be close friends with one. Acquaintances, maybe. Close friends or loves, never.
Relationships are predicated on honesty. Love means “I see you”. When someone lies to you, they do not trust you enough to show their true self. They are not really your friend, because there is a secret world in their head where they live, totally in control, controlling the people around them like toys or puppets. These people are very cruel, sociopathic, and/or immature. They very likely were spoiled and never made to pay logical, fair consequences as a child. OR, they could be lying to keep everybody out because they feel unworthy or ashamed, but it is not your job to go healing people! We are not the Red Cross!! The person needs a therapist, not a relationship. So SKIP the psychoanalysis because you cannot date liars, EVER.
You need a partner who is HONEST AND KIND to the core.
How to heal the hurt
Praise and honor your heart that it DOES hurt because that means it CAN hurt, and a heart that can hurt is a heart that can feel, and feeling our feelings of joy and love is the very best part of life. So be thankful that you are alive and whole, with a loving, beating heart!
Some stronger words, if you need to be strong on yourself:
This person did not deserve you. They chose to lie and that is a choice of people of low integrity. You need a person with no character flaws. (Everyone will have annoying habits, but character flaws are what you want to avoid. Lying is one!)
So hang in there, dear heart. Have courage. Fear not! This, too, shall pass and you WILL make it through this. It’s ok to feel really, really hurt right now—you are. And I am very sorry that your dream ended in flames. I am sorry for that and for you. But remember what rises from ashes…a Phoenix. You, too, will be newer and stronger from this fire, I promise. I see you rising from it, bright gold, shining and strong. I see it.
Evlogite—may it be blessed!
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