This post is a letter of sorts to a younger friend, and a second much younger friend, both of whom recently asked, "What should I look for in a partner? How do I choose a good guy?"
To start, this post will be written primarily for women who date men. Of course anyone is welcome to read it! But I will be sharing my observations as a woman who has dated men for 35 years, and who is still dating one -- quite happily. By "dating" I mean having any sort of relationship: from casual dating, to actual relationships, to even marriage. (I will soon write a post exploring the viability of marriage -- I say exploring because I am not entirely sure of the side I will come down on, but I do need to figure it out. I also want to propose a new sexual ethic for the modern age).
So you asked me at lunch, and you, other beautiful one, you asked me on the phone. Both of you lovely humans asked me the same question: How should I choose whom to date? I have been thinking about it for many years, but now I have been thinking hard for two weeks. I may not be an expert, but I am in a good place in my life, after many poor decisions and much pain. Two and a half years ago I made a good decision to date L., and we do not have relationship pain today, the two of us. We have fun, and we laugh A LOT. But we are just two flawed humans trying to co-exist and I think living with another person is the most difficult and worthwhile work you will ever do.
Thus, we WORK on our friendship, absolutely, consciously, regularly, and we occasionally hurt each other on accident, but when that happens there is a script:
Person A accidentally gets hurt by person B (this DOES happen)
Person B might notice and immediately apologize. This is less common.
Person A then MUST say to Person B, "I'm sure you didn't mean to, but I got hurt when X..."
Person B stops what they are doing (key) and really listens (also key) and apologizes because no matter what was intended, they hurt their friend, period. (They do NOT get defensive, blame Person A, give the silent treatment, or say mean things. Any of these Four Horsemen prevent "success" -- Read The Gottman books and blog. They are GENIUSES in building healthy relationships.)
Person A accepts the apology very graciously and kindly and efficiently. We do not belabor a point. No one needs to hear it again. You do not rub a friend's face in a mistake. Be kind.
Together they then figure out where and how the breakdown happened.
Together they brainstorm strategies to avoid the same thing happening again.
They kiss and hug and do not mention this hiccup again. (We do not bring up past fights--we solve them and move on.)
This is work, and it is not exactly fun, but ultimately it does feel good because you both know that you are getting better as a team and building something that will be able to last. I started this blog post with this example because THIS is the person you are looking for. You are looking for a partner, a teammate, someone who is willing and invested to do this kind of talking. If you are looking to build a loving friendship, you need someone who is looking to build the same thing.
This is key in all dating: only date people who are looking for the same thing that you are.
I like lists, so I'll make a list of things to avoid and a list of things to look for.
Things to avoid in a potential partner in 2021:
Silencing you. This is an attempt to control and is simply inexcusable. At best it shows someone who is not strong enough to have a proper, adult conversation. At worst it shows someone who will try to dominate and oppress you in every way. Silence is key for oppression. Never agree to this (even with parents!)
Selfishness. It is very hard to exist around someone who takes first and gives second, and you simply cannot exist around someone who takes always and gives never.
Subservience. A healthy partner needs to have a life and self-esteem and not require your presence in order to thrive on this planet. (This goes for parents, too, btw.)
Anger issues. You can simply not date someone who thinks it is alright to yell at you, berate you, frighten you, or ever physically harm you. NO, NO, NO.
Substance abuse. If someone needs a substance to get through life, you need to ask some serious questions about their mental well-being. Avoid.
Not working or finishing school. You want a person with a life-plan, whatever career they might want. You do not want a person who is going to expect their parents or you to take care of them. They need to be reliable, productive, and thriving in society at the same level of ambition as you. Matching ambition levels is key to harmony.
DISHONESTY. Ugh, this should have been so at the top. You want a partner who is HONEST TO THE CORE. Zero tolerance for any lies.
Unfaithful. You need to know what fidelity means to you, and you must date someone with the SAME concept of fidelity. Are you ok with someone who flirts with or caresses or sleeps with others? You both need to agree on this one.
Emotionally unavailable. This one is huge. You need to date someone who is looking for the same thing you are looking for and do not fool yourself. You waste time and lose power when you lie to yourself about what you want. If you want love, then own that. The moment you do, and the moment you walk past any dates who don't want that same thing, then the Universe hears you loud and clear and sends what you are looking for. But if you tangle yourself up (and waste precious time) trying to win someone's love or show them how great you are, you will lose every time. There are a million people in line behind this guy, so MOVE ON.
Insecurity. If you date a guy who is insecure, he will often try to hold you back or keep you down because your success threatens him. If you sense this, in any regard however slight, RUN AND DO NOT LOOK BACK. Given the chance this guy will ruin your prospects and your self-esteem and ultimately try to control you in every way. You want a guy who will help you become the very best version of yourself possible.
Hasn't done emotional work, or isn't emotionally aware. This person is just not ready to be in relationship. They have to clean house first. We all do.
I'm sure I've left some really important things off of that list. Please feel free to comment and I can add or edit.
One tip: if you ever find yourself hiding something your partner said or did from your best friends, that is a HUGE red flag. You need to be able to share even fights and mistakes with your friends but if you feel tempted to hide a truth, it is because you know in your heart of hearts that it's a dealbreaker. BE STRONG. Tell your friends. See their honest reaction. And then make a change. Challenge your partner to personal growth. But if you don't see rapid results, you have to walk away.
One thing that comes to mind is the critical importance of TIME. Everybody seems great in the first six months when they are on best behavior. If you sense red flags in the first six months -- RUN. It takes about 1.5 years of seeing somebody regularly to know if you respect the way they live their life and the way they treat you. You need to see how they handle holiday stress, accidents, oversights, double-bookings, bad waiters, disobedient children, rude adults, losing, winning, sickness, aging, grief, success, and as much life as possible. THESE observations tell you who they are and these observations take time. So take your time. Not every date needs to lead to marriage -- most do not!
Maya Angelou famously said, "When people tell you who they are, believe them the first time."
Now, on to what you DO want. Read the excellent book, Is He Mr. Right by Mira Kirshenbaum (2006). I've never met Mira but I (and several of my friends) owe her a HUGE thanks because this dating book is *different* and it is hands-down the BEST one I've ever read (and I've read many). Mira rightly notes that chemistry is more important than compatibility, because it is chemistry that gets couples through really tough spots; your shared love for mountain biking will not do this! Mira breaks chemistry into 5 parts, which I will include below with an asterisk for "Mira is cool"*.
Things to look for in a potential partner in 2021:
Honesty. There is no relationship without total honesty. You don't lie to your best friends, so there should be no lies with your partner, period. You're looking for someone you can laugh with and be yourself with. You want to be honest and authentic in every way because that is true freedom. If you are feeling like being dishonest about any aspect of yourself (religion, goals, family -- anything) then this is not the guy for you. With a true partner, you are besties and can share anything with no judgment.
Kindness. You only want to hang out with people who treat you well. If you feel your partner is rude or cold or callous, that will be a hard road for you because they likely do not see the world that way. A shared definition of kindness and compassion goes a LONG way.
*Attraction, affection, and passion: This is what we notice first when we meet someone in person. You can tell inside of 15-60 seconds if you would kiss someone or not. It's energy. Chemistry. Physical attraction. This is key and it can go a long way to helping you get over rough spots, but you cannot build a relationship on this. I have heard of people growing attracted to a partner but I myself have never experienced that. Do look for physical attraction and also affection. Having a shared level of affection is also nice. Also recall: it is normal to think other people are attractive; it is not acceptable to act on that when you are in a committed relationship. The day you want to touch someone else needs to be the same day you tell your partner it's over. (Polyamory is not for me.) Have integrity.
*Fun: You want a partner with whom you have fun easily and with whom you laugh as much as possible. On every coffee date ask yourself, Was that fun? Did I have fun? If you go to a party and have fun talking to a short Jewish guy and you are a really tall Hindu gal -- who cares. You had fun and you want to see each other again. That's key. But you would have eliminated that person perhaps on a dating site, so those sites can't help you find chemistry. Remember, dates should be FUN. They are NOT interviews. You are not a manager on Friday night and this person is not your next potential new hire. HAVE FUN.
*Mutual respect: Do you like the way they treat themself and you and others? Do you like what they value? Do you value that? Do they respect you? Do they value your opinion? Mutual respect is key. Do they listen to you? Do they respect your freedom? Do they encourage you to go out with your friends and to spend some down time on your own? Avoid jealous and controlling people or you can soon find yourself living in a trap. NEVER date someone out of a sense of pity or obligation -- EVER. That's rude and patronizing.
*Comfort and closeness: It needs to be comfortable to talk to the person and easy to grow closer.
*Emotional safety: you need to feel safe to share your truth, opinions, life story, and heart. If you are hiding stuff, this person is not a friend.
Matching ambition level: it's important to have the same broad goals in life. If one of you wants to own five houses and a yacht and the other wants to live in a studio apartment and work only part-time, the road ahead might be bumpy...
Same goal for the relationship: I think we have covered this, but you should only date someone who wants what you want. So know what you want and state it clearly. Honesty wins!
Emotionally available: you simply cannot date someone successfully if they do not want to date or love you, so do not even try. I could share SO many stories of smart, strong women who waited around for some guy to "figure out what he wanted" while her fertility window rushed by. Do not waste a single day thinking about somebody who isn't thinking about you in the same way. They may just want sex when you want love, and you should not agree to such a losing proposition. Some people will even feel that they love you but do not want to be in a relationship, but if you want a relationship, then DUMP HIM. Get out of there. You are wasting time. He told you what he didn't want and you're just begging now. Gather up your self-respect, face your fear of being alone, and stop trying to put a square peg in a round hole. As soon as you do move on, the Universe will respond in affirmation! I actually think that until we socialize boys en masse to engage in liberated, egalitarian love, women who try to be liberated with men who were still raised on the old, patriarchal paradigm are going to lose because those women will seem fast and "easy" and desperate. Men raised on the old paradigm -- which seems to be most of them still -- will have received a priori training through pop culture that men chase women and women wait to be approached and then men run the show. It's antiquated, but culture changes slowly. So, liberated women need to carefully seek liberated men. (For dating on the paradigm shift, that's another blog post.)
Reciprocal willingness to work on the relationship: I feel like we've covered this, but it's critical. Both people have to want the love to grow. Both people need to be able to apologize, compromise, meet in the middle, change their behavior, forgive, invest, and cherish. BOTH people.
With all of these, it's important to identify "What is most important to me?" Look at the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman (a classic). That book is just true. We all feel/receive love in different ways: words, acts, time, touch, gifts. YOU must identify the order of importance of those 5 for you, and your partner must know them. It will not always be natural for you and your partner to share the same top 2 or 3 Love Languages, so this is where the work often comes in because you have to make it a point to do something that is not natural. That's good for you. It's called compromise. But you BOTH need to be doing that. If you do not receive love in the way you need to, you will starve emotionally. The relationship will not thrive. Pay attention and communicate. Your partner is NOT a mind reader! You have a voice. Speak.
Similarly, you need to go through all the above discussion points, and any others, and decide which matter the most to you. The ones that matter most to you will be your "dealbreakers". Learn to know the difference between a Must Have vs. a Would Be Nice. If someone doesn't have one of your Must Haves, then that's a deal-breaker for you. Simple.
Look for character flaws, not compatibility gaps.
Do not be the one who always gives in or makes repair attempts. That must be mutual and equal. Communication frequency should also match. Neither of you wants to feel like one person is chasing the other.
And if you date someone for one date or one month or one year and you feel after that that it is not working out for you, tell them honestly, kindly, to their face, and immediately. If they are not the best for you, then you are not the best for them. Not all dates lead to a relationship and they certainly do not lead to love or marriage. I went out with 26 guys for coffee in the months before I met L. I met 26 nice people but I didn't want to kiss any of them. I totally wanted to kiss L within the first ten minutes, but I concealed that fact. Then we dated and thus began the hard work of having fun and falling in love while SIMULTANEOUSLY being honest with myself about his character and being ready to be strong enough to walk away if he turned out to be less than savory, shall we say.
DUMP DUDS FAST. This is a CRITICAL rule for success.
Do your own emotional work. Get a therapist. Face your past. Sort it all out. Know your weaknesses. Know your scars. Identify any place where you might have suffered trauma or neglect or abuse. KNOW these things and work to address, own, and heal them. You MUST face your own demons because we all have some and the only way to conquer those suckers is to NAME THEM. As soon as you name the demons, they are forced into the light. You rip the door off the closet where they hide. And when you shine a light on a demon, it cannot live. So, find them. Ferret them out, little ones and huge, with the zeal of a crusader and the compassion of a saint. Demons make lots of scary noise, but once faced they deflate like pricked balloons. FEAR WILL ROB YOU OF EVERYTHING. Fear is a liar. So face your fears. (Happy to post on this, or anything, if it will help). You MUST deal with any issues you lived in with your mom and your dad. We all must look at these.
I do not by any stretch have all the answers, but I can share with you the liberating power in possessing a ruthless commitment to Truth. I seek my truth, I face it, I own it, and I grow. In this I believe.
Follow your heart and your passions and do what makes you happy! Find what makes you happy besides just school and grades. Try new things. Sing. Sight-see. Do something new and uncomfortable. (Except hard drugs. Never do addictive drugs.) Be brave. Learn about leadership. Do something as a leader, which will build your confidence and self-worth.
One Doorway to Bodleian Library at Oxford, to the Metaphysical School, c1613
Photo by SdC
Your self-worth is NEVER based on another person. You are worthy simply because you were breathed into being. You BELONG here. We need you. Your soul came here to do something for the good of all humanity. It is something that only you can do. You do not need to be in a relationship to be whole; at the same time, sharing your whole self with a whole other is very fulfilling.
And remember, it is always better to be alone than to be poorly treated. ALWAYS.
Also, you are in NO WAY doomed or destined to repeat your parents' relationship. Look at your family honestly. Put it ALL on the table with a good therapist for six weeks or six months or whatever. Cut the emotional energy cords to anything that you do not want to take forward with you in life. Bless it and let it go and leave it behind. Build your own life, a new life. Take up and carry only what you want, only what was good. Easier said than done, of course, but worth doing. And this is all work you do on your own usually, though talking things out with friends is hugely helpful. Love having friends and be ok being on your own, too. You need both.
As Dr. Seuss wrote in Oh, the Places You'll Go: "All alone, whether you like it or not. Alone will be something you'll be quite a lot." It's true and it is just not as scary as that liar fear would have you think.
We must be able to be alone at times, but I do not think humans are designed to live forever alone. We are relational creatures. Just make sure you are *choosing* a partner out of wise choice, not out of fear. There is no reason to fear being alone. There isn't even reason to fear death. That's a whole other topic.
Always remember: you don't get what you deserve; you get what you demand.
SO, find yourself. Know yourself. Become yourself. Love yourself. Defend yourself. And as you blossom, if you find someone who delights in watching you become you, and if that person is someone who makes you laugh and has your back and picks you up when you fall, if you trust them and they are honest and kind, go ahead and fall in love. And enjoy that! Falling in love is SUCH a beautiful gift from the diamond hand of life. Love does not grow on trees, so value it. But also be aware that, as Grandma Hazel used to warn us girls: "Love can fall on a cow-turd. Make sure it doesn't happen to you."
I'll let Grandma have the last word.
~Susanna
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