For JKR from SdC with love, August 2021
First of all, not all dates need to turn into marriage. Maybe you want to go out with someone once or for a few months, but not every relation between two people needs to lead to marriage. That thinking is antiquated Victorian purity culture still trying to talk, and it is a tired, worn story that approaches love from a standpoint of virginity as a person's primary worth. Women are not cattle and sex is not the central deal of marriage anymore (if it ever was).
We talk to people and even kiss some people in order to figure out what we're looking for in a life partner these days, and I DO believe that humans are relational creatures. We are not designed to live alone. I personally value building a reliable, honest, fun friendship with one person. It is beautiful, and it is by far the most difficult thing any person can do in life. Yes I believe in love and yes I do still believe that "marriage" is viable (that's for another post).
That said, I think the most important thing in dating is transparency with self and with the other person.
Gnosis saufton. Know thyself. Know what you want. Get crystal clear on this, and be aware of what you are broadcasting about it to yourself in your own thoughts. And then be very clear about it to others.
Then, make sure you only involve yourself intimately with someone who wants the same thing. That's key to protecting you and others from unintentional harm. Most people are honest. BE HONEST.
Never pursue people who are emotionally unavailable in any way. It is a waste of precious life time. When people tell you--usually through their actions--that they are not looking for what you are looking for, LISTEN THE FIRST TIME. Believe them. Do NOT fall into the foolish trap of thinking: Oh but he'll fall in love with ME once he sees how great I am. NO. WRONG. He won't. And you will lose 2 months or two years trying to "sell" yourself as "such a catch" to someone who never wanted to buy in the first place.
For going out with younger men, you must make sure that you do not want children. If you do want children, freeze your eggs right now, today--starting from age 18. Fertility for women only declines. Freeze today, don't delay. That will at least give you options. Or plan to adopt. But if you date a younger man, the child creating timelines do not align, so you must discuss this. Be brutally honest with yourself now.
Younger men, all men actually, can often have a socialized problem existing beside an independent, successful woman. They are socialized this way from birth, though it is changing, and though not every man struggles with this. Women do not struggle with this, in the main, because we have been socialized to support a man in his career pursuit. Until we have equal role models in media and literature of men supporting women in their career pursuits and of half of the couples in the world wherein the woman earns as much or more than the man, we will have to keep setting the precedent for younger generations. Remember, a matriarchy is not the answer to ending the patriarchy. Uprooting oppression does not mean you want to become the next oppressor.
In dating beyond the patriarchy, what you must be wholly alert to at all times is being put down or controlled by a man (which will be default culture speaking through him, and he may be wholly unaware). It will be very subtle. Men will OFTEN try to tell women what to think and do and want and be --- and women will accept this and go along with it because WE are socialized never to rock the boat or upset someone. You must be alert to this and if you sense it you MUST trust yourself and ask questions about what is going on --- out loud. Push back. Take issue with it. Do not accept it from a man or from yourself. "Following suit" is a slippery slope that will snowball immediately and silently. THINK FOR YOURSELF. What do I want? What matters to me? Where am I going? How do I feel right now? Never look to another for the answer to any of these questions. It is a weakness to do so, and a trap.
Flowers for Sainte Geneviève, Saint-Étienne-du-Mont, Paris
Photo by SdC
Know yourself. And then speak. You do not need to yell or protest or shame; simply participate in the conversation. Make sure to create a conversation. No interaction between you and a man should involve him giving dictums and you nodding agreeably. You are a team. Be a team member. Dating in no wise involves you checking your brain at the door. Both parties should check their attitudes, but nobody should be a voiceless robot in a couple.
So for dating younger men, which can be very fun and even very good because age is just a number, I'd say watch out for the babies decision and for the socialized male ego.
Written in France and Seattle
August 2021
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